


and so, we dream of the clouds

by hibouxx



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Moving On, One-Sided Relationship, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, yujae is implied only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:33:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29447085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hibouxx/pseuds/hibouxx
Summary: One might argue it’s love at first sight, but to Dejun it’s like finding gold in a sweeping field of dreariness.And so this is how it begins, the affliction that will consume Dejun one shaky breath at a time.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 9
Kudos: 59





	and so, we dream of the clouds

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly hadn't expected for this to be the length it turned out to be. it was more of a burst of inspiration than anything else and the xiaojun/jaehyun pairing is just there, waiting to be written. hehe. also yujae are a pair of selfish idiots here, feel free to throw tomatoes at them.
> 
> hope you enjoy this angsty piece of angst heaven (or hell)

Dejun’s phone chirps with an incoming message just as Lucas passes him his drink—strawberry milkshake, because he can be incredibly petty when he loses bets and has to pay for anything that isn’t cheap street food—so he glances down at it, swiping on the notification at the same time tuning out his friend’s grumbling and the unforgivingly loud mid-day traffic.

“Thanks.” He mumbles and takes a sip of the too-sweet drink, and it’s through this distraction that he manages to miss the guy who steps out of the growing lunch crowd on the sidewalk to pause in front of them, regarding Lucas in surprise. 

Dejun looks up just in time to see the guy give Lucas an awe-inspiring smile that makes his dimples pop and his eyes crinkle. His skin is so fair it reflects the sun that's beating down on them and it leaves an uncanny effect Dejun can’t tear his eyes from.

“Jaehyun-hyung! Long time no see!” Lucas greets a little too enthusiastically but Dejun can’t hear him over the thrumming in his ears when that smile is suddenly directed at him. His grip on the strawberry milkshake tightens as he resigns himself to the realisation that this is what it feels like to be star struck. 

One might argue it’s love at first sight, but to Dejun it’s like finding gold in a sweeping field of dreariness.

And so this is how it begins, the affliction that will consume Dejun one shaky breath at a time. 

—

It shouldn’t have gone further than a simple introduction, or exchanging of numbers, or a reluctant, hastily planned date. It shouldn’t have gone anywhere, in the first place, but it did and now Jaehyun occupies his thoughts like a stubborn rash that refuses to go away.

It’s supposed to be casual, Jaehyun said so himself the first time they kissed and he still remembers it in perfect detail, the backlight from the salon that highlighted the contours of Jaehyun’s perfect face and the prickling stiffness of the newly trimmed hair at the back of Jaehyun’s head. He said it again, not even a week later, when he trailed a kiss down Dejun’s neck at the back of a high-end bar Lucas recommended on a whim.

But it’s hard not to feel things when Jaehyun smiles like Dejun is the most wonderful thing he’s seen or when he makes a habit of compensating for his sporadic inattention with a stem of rose or a box of mint chocolates. It’s not something casual lovers do and he has every right to believe that Jaehyun had been the first to break those roles, Dejun is simply caught in the myriad of emotions he purposely made him feel.

So Dejun crumbles under it, and lets his heart take the reins. 

“Hey, what do you say about making it official?” It’s a question that he spends several days building up the courage to voice out. Dejun has considered the possibility of Jaehyun saying no and he knows he might cry over it but he’ll move on; at least then he doesn't cling onto what-ifs and false hopes.

But Jaehyun doesn’t say no.

Hesitation flickers in Jaehyun’s eyes and Dejun thinks he might have imagined it because the small dimpled smile quickly turns into a smug grin. “Why not?” He asks with his whole chest, not the smallest hint of doubt in his voice.

If he had only looked a little longer, perhaps he would’ve seen a little more than the pensive stare Jaehyun trains on the floor between his feet but instead he allows himself to be distracted by Jaehyun’s hand on his elbow as he draws him in for another kiss over Dejun’s kitchen counter.

—

Dejun doesn’t quite understand Jaehyun’s instinctive urge to take charge. It’s not something they’ll talk about and oftentimes it happens without prompting, like when Jaehyun takes him out for dinner and insists on driving to wherever he deems perfect for the mood.

Most of the time it’s at the same seafood restaurant by the river.

There’s something ethereal about Jaehyun’s face under the scrutiny of warm, incandescent lights while he peels the head of the shrimp off for Dejun, and it’s enough distraction that he only realises what Jaehyun is doing when he’s gone through half the plate. 

The restaurant is unusually quiet and while he knows it’s because it’s a few minutes to closing time—Jaehyun didn’t get off work until past nine—he appreciates the solemnity it offers, and the exclusivity he doesn’t always have the privilege of having with Jaehyun.

“You don’t have to do it for me.” He attempts to take the shrimp Jaehyun is still peeling but he gets brushed off with frown.

“No, let me do it.” So Dejun concedes, even though he’s not sure what to feel about being taken care of. It’s not a thought he has entertained before Jaehyun came along, and he thinks he’ll never get used to the idea, no matter how many times he allows Jaehyun to get away with his casual authority. He sometimes wonders if it has something to do with him being younger, but dismisses the thoughts as quickly as they came.

“Whatever you want, hyung.” He muffles his sigh of defeat on the back of his hand. For all his sharp wit, Jaehyun manages to coax the pliant side of him with the softest of smiles. 

He hears a faint buzz over the hum of the music playing in the background but before he can make sense of it, Jaehyun is wiping his hands on a piece of napkin, looking more alert than he’s been the whole night. “Work, I’ll be back.” He assumes pointedly, without checking his phone and makes a run for the washrooms, leaving him with half a plate of shelled shrimps.

Dejun pops one in his mouth, savouring the flavour of the familiar dish and unconsciously he dwells on the fact that Jaehyun never leaves his phone unattended on table. He has no one but himself to blame when he chooses to attribute it to good manners.

—

“How did you meet Jaehyun again?” He asks Lucas offhandedly with no real intention to pry. Business is slow around this time of the year because no one wants to travel in the dead of winter, and he still has two minutes left before his cup of noodles is ready so he keeps himself occupied with a quick phone call to his long-time friend. He would’ve called Jaehyun but he knows the older man wouldn’t appreciate distractions, especially when he’s working on a new song. 

_ “It’s almost 2. Are you still on lunch break?”  _ Lucas asks back, voice muffled. Dejun assumes he’s sneaking a few bites between dance practice. 

“I’m taking late lunch. You didn’t answer my question.” There’s a picture of him and Jaehyun staring back at him through his phone screen. It’s the one he took when Jaehyun brought him to a cruise on the Han river.

_ “Common friend, I used to go to the dance studio where his friend works at. Why are you asking me anyway? Couldn’t you have just asked your boyfriend?”  _

“Why would I bother him about it when I can bother you instead?” He doesn’t tell him about how Jaehyun doesn’t talk about his friends or any of his relationships outside their own so the mention of a friend he’s never heard about piques his interest. 

_ “I hate you.” _

“No you don’t.” He says as he types in Jaehyun’s username on instagram. It’s the same nine posts from when they started dating and he immediately knows he’ll get nothing out of it. Songwriters are supposed to keep an active network but Jaehyun doesn’t seem to fall into most norms.

_ “Okay, I gotta run, practice is starting.” _ Lucas says in a rush before the call disconnects. It’s fine, he’s given Dejun more than what Jaehyun has.

He’s not sure what he’s trying to see when he clicks on the list of people Jaehyun follows and zeroes in on one of the few that doesn’t seem to be related to his boyfriend’s work. 

User name butterflyuu26, whose account is filled with artful shots of him in different hairstyles and almost explicitly loud clothes that Dejun can’t imagine being able to pull off. From the description on his profile, Dejun deduces that he’s the dancer friend Lucas is talking about, unless Jaehyun has more friends working in the same industry. He doesn’t have to scroll far to spot Jaehyun’s familiar dimpled smile, because his face features quite a lot in the older posts.

Something pounds in his chest that isn’t excitement or fondness and Dejun may not yet recognise the insecurities that have started to take root, but he does know that there’s something about the quality of Jaehyun’s laughter in those pictures that is completely unfamiliar to him.

_ Nakamoto Yuta. _ He makes a mental note to remember the name, be it out of curiosity or grim instinct.

—

Jaehyun has a clear book that he’s extremely protective of, and the only reason Dejun knows about it is the obnoxiously bright colour of the cover—neon pink—which he thinks is done on purpose so it will never be misplaced by mistake.

“Are there songs inside?” He once asked when he spotted it on the night table instead of Jaehyun’s work desk and his boyfriend stutters to a pause with one leg in his sweatpants. Dejun observes the nervous glance at the clear book that spells of guarded hesitation.

“Unpublished songs. They’re pretty old, and terrible too. You don’t want to see them.” 

“What could be so bad about it?” He senses Jaehyun’s effort to lighten the mood but Dejun has already caught on his defensive tone and jokingly reaches for it, only Jaehyun beats him to it with visible panic rippling through his big frame.

His hands are shaky around the clear book when he deposits it on his work table and piles loose papers on top of it.

Dejun has never seen him this rattled or breathless before. “Don’t.” Jaehyun says,  _ begs _ , and when he offers nothing else but silence after, Dejun shrinks under the covers, pulse racing. It’s the first time Jaehyun has spoken to him harshly or given him the cold shoulders and it leaves dread sinking at the bottom of his stomach.

(By pure chance, he will stumble on the clearbook again, this time spread out over Jaehyun’s work table, when he comes over for a surprise visit, and he will see the message hastily scrawled at the bottom of the front page.

_ ‘Ride the wind and dance in a whirl of colour, my love’ _

And at the end of it is a drawing of a small butterfly, inconspicuous but poignant.)

—

Nothing significant changes between them since the incident, not even after their first real fight—which is really just Jaehyun being uncharacteristically pissy, only to turn around with another stem of rose and a soothing apology on his lips—and Dejun deliberately resumes his place in Jaehyun’s world, forced in the dark because it’s easier than trying to face the things that keeps Jaehyun shackled.

After all, none of it stops Jaehyun from being a good boyfriend. He makes love to him with the same fervent passion, caters to his interests with real enthusiasm, and unknowingly, it gouges a deeper pit for Dejun.

It doesn’t matter, because he has Jaehyun and that’s something he wouldn’t change, even if it means staying in the safe place he’s built between them and never wandering out. The same safe place that sometimes leaves him feeling hollow inside. But Jaehyun can be unknowingly cruel, especially when he forces the shift that comes in the form of a simple invitation—

“My friends asked to meet you.”

“How come?” It’s not that Dejun thinks Jaehyun’s friends will make a spectacle of their relationship, but he prefers the secrecy that they’ve fostered since the beginning. The Dejun from several months ago would’ve jumped at the opportunity to be part of the side of Jaehyun he managed to keep separate from Dejun, but the him of now knows there’s a good reason he was kept away.

“I told them about you.” He wants to ask why, why now? But he bites his tongue and tries to swallow around the lump in his throat.

“Okay.” He acquiesces and Jaehyun rewards him with a peck on his cheek.

—an invitation that will trigger the beginning of a fallout he knows is coming from the moment Jaehyun let a name that’s not Dejun’s slip, between the drunken kisses they shared on what should’ve been their fourth month together as a couple. 

_ “Yuta…” _

Yes, Jaehyun is truly a cruel man.

—

  
  


They meet in the same seafood restaurant Jaehyun always takes him to, and Jaehyun tells him for the first time that it’s actually the place he used to frequent as a teenager and as a young adult, because their food is cheap and it’s easily accessible by subway, back when he didn’t have his license yet. It’s the first time he’s willingly offered anything valuable to Dejun, and it tickles an urge to learn more.

He already knows he will remember this night for a long time to come, he just doesn’t know why, yet.

They’re the first to arrive since Jaehyun made the reservation, and the rest of his friends come in two batches.  _ Yuta _ arrives last after everyone else, and for the first time, Dejun sees what he thinks Jaehyun perceives when his gaze locks on a tall figure—shoulder-length blonde hair, gems hanging from a pair of studded ears, and eyes that look bigger than they are under the curtain of wispy bangs.

His pictures do him no justice, and Dejun feels as if he’s swallowed his tongue from how intensely he’s holding his breath, because this person is beyond beautiful. There’s a strange allure that follows the graceful strides he takes between the entrance of the restaurant to their slightly crowded table.

“Hey,” He says, addressing everyone at the table except for Jaehyun who steadfastly avoids his eyes. Yuta’s voice sounds just as Dejun had imagined; smooth with a low timbre that wraps around words like crashing waves. A paradigm of bewitching.

“Hyung! You’re late again.” Mark greets, lighthearted and fond, pulling Yuta down to sit next to him without resistance from the other man.

“Sorry, tight schedule as always.” He says, and his gaze flits to Jaehyun for the briefest of seconds. Dejun looks down at the menu he’s cradling even if Jaehyun has already ordered for everyone. The night continues on like that, with Jaehyun clumsily avoiding the attention and Yuta faithfully keeping to the small circle around him, without a single stray glance towards him.

He cautions another glance at Jaehyun and wonders if he feels it too, the static that settles at the base of his spine at the small but unnervingly pretty smile Yuta wears through the conversations he entertains with Jungwoo and Taeil who are sitting next to an uncharacteristically quiet Jaehyun.

Dejun is not the slightest bit surprised when the food arrives and there are two plates of the same spicy shrimp dish Jaehyun loves, alongside a few others, all of which are apparently familiar to the friend group.

He feels a little out of place, but while all of them are older than him by a few years, they make sure to diminish some of the awkwardness by engaging him in small talks he recognises are designed to make him open up a little.

Johnny, the tallest and least intimidating of Jaehyun’s friends after Mark, peers at Yuta’s plate without preamble, and pipes up, “All these years and you still don’t know how to properly shell a shrimp?” he laughs amidst Yuta’s embarrassed rebuttal but Dejun’s unable to focus on the conversation when awareness presses at the back of his head like a persistent headache. 

His fingernails press into his skin just as Jaehyun’s hand twitches next to his on the table but Dejun doesn’t look up, too afraid that he will find his face twisted in yearning and eyes mad with desire, because Dejun knows too well what it looks like, unfortunately so.

His eyes refuse to stray away from Yuta, who gets a few glasses of beer in between the group’s banter. Dejun watches as he downs one glass after another with a sinking realisation that he’s not the only one, the only one who feels that way when they look at Jaehyun. 

So he excuses himself to the washrooms, squeezing Jaehyun’s hand that has come to wrap around his during dinner, and stays in there until his stomach is no longer churning in jealousy and helplessness. 

What he doesn’t account for is the likelihood of someone walking in on his self-doubting, or the likelihood of it being Yuta. Yuta with brilliant red cheeks and half-lidded eyes, who steadies himself on the washbasin when their gazes meet in the mirror.

“You’re so pretty. Exactly Jaehyun’s type,” he slurs, appraising Dejun without shame. He curls into himself at the unexpected attention before something like nervous laughter spills out. It’s a strange compliment coming from Yuta, but he comes to think they may be more alike than he once thought.

“Sorry, did I make you uncomfortable? Jaehyun will kill me.” 

“No, it’s fine.” he pauses at the look on Yuta’s face as the taller man repeats like he didn’t hear him, 

“I’m sorry Dejun.” 

They both know it’s no longer about his tactlessness and Dejun recoils from the apology, because there’s nothing to be sorry about; Jaehyun is still his and Yuta’s appearance and whatever past they had together changes nothing about it. Jaehyun has him now, full stop.

The door swings open before more words can be exchanged between them. “Hyung! Really! Don’t walk off like that—oh hey Dejun, sorry I didn’t know you were here.” Mark looks genuinely apologetic so he appeases him with a furtive smile. 

“Don’t worry about it..” He says, bypassing Mark and closing the door behind him. He has no intention to decipher the hushed conversation that filters through the door so he makes his way back to the table where Jaehyun greets him with an uneasy smile. He pulls Dejun close and rubs his thumb over his knuckles. Any other day, he knows the intention is to extend comfort but at the moment, it feels as if Jaehyun is the only seeking comfort.

“He’s fine.” He offers, unsure what prompts him, but he sees his boyfriend stiffen next to him. “Mark is with him.”

“What do you mean?” Jaehyun feigns confusion, but Dejun knows him pretty well by now, and he can tell when his eyes are unfocused and his breathing is shallow.

“Nothing, let’s eat.” 

Dejun will always remember that night, but for all the wrong reasons—because there’s no way he can erase the memory of grasping for thin air as Jaehyun extracts himself carefully from his side so he can covertly follow a wasted Yuta who stumbles away from their table for a third time.

Or the reminder of his inadequacy when Jaehyun pulls him to Johnny’s car at the end of the night and says, “He’ll take you home. I just need to go back to the studio real quick. I’ll come over to your place tomorrow, I promise,” like Dejun doesn’t know  _ who _ he’s going to. 

He’s patient and understanding, but he’s not an unhinged martyr who only knows half-arsed lies. So he slams the car door to Jaehyun’s face and begs Johnny to please, “Please just take me home.” because he’s not sure how much of Jaehyun’s contrived affections he can stomach.

—

“This common friend...it doesn’t happen to be Yuta, does it?” The question comes out a little more spiteful that he intended and Lucas flinches at the implications. He sees him fiddle nervously with his hat, avoiding his gaze. He knows it’s unfair of him to corner his friend under the pretence of a friendly lunch but perhaps this thing with Jaehyun is turning him into another person, a terribly jealous one.

“You do know about him then. About Yuta and Jaehyun.” He presses on because Lucas looks as guilty as they come and Dejun has to wonder how he managed to miss all of the clues, or more accurately, how he was able to deliberately turn his eyes away from barely concealed truths for this long.

“Look, they go a long way back. It was an on and off thing. I don’t think anyone really understands their relationship except the two of them.” 

“And you didn’t think it was important to tell me this before.” 

“Listen man, you and Jaehyun, you happened too fast. And you seem really happy with him, I couldn’t ruin that for you.” And he’s right, everything with Jaehyun happened in a blissful blink of an eye, one moment they were strangers on a crowded street and the next he was being kissed out of his mind and his heart was being stolen right under his nose. He only wished he could say the same for Jaehyun.

He scrubs a hand to his face and Lucas must see the bone-deep ache that he disguises as frustration because the hand he places on Dejun’s shoulder is solid yet comforting, and it’s the most gentle Lucas has been with him.

“Sorry, it isn’t your fault.” It all Dejun’s, because he’s the one who carelessly allowed Jaehyun to burrow in too deep, and because his heart is a greedy, greedy thing and it doesn’t know when to stop yearning.

  
  


—

Jaehyun does appear in front of his apartment as promised, only a few days too late. There are dark rings around his eyes and he looks so awful Dejun is almost tempted to forgive him right then. He doesn’t give in to the urge however, so he lets Jaehyun in with the quietest and coldest of greetings.

“About that night,” Jaehyun begins to say but the hesitation gets to him before he can try to put together another bullshit excuse. Dejun is glad for his current state, because it’s apparent that this Jaehyun is incapable of thinking straight.

“I don’t think we should continue this.” He cuts through the second lengthy exhale that slips between Jaehyun’s lips but he looks like he’s expecting it because he hardly flinches.

“Dejun don’t do this.” Jaehyun attempts to trap him against the table top and Dejun has a split-second compulsion to step out of the way but his heart wins over his instincts and he lets Jaehyun push himself back into his space, again.

“Tell me why we shouldn’t end this now.”

Jaehyun’s eyes travel the length of his face and Dejun sees something flicker in his eyes—fear? Fickle devotion?—and he licks his lips with a shaky breath. 

“Because I can’t lose you.” It’s not the answer Dejun wants, but it’s the one he’s expecting to hear. Jaehyun’s palm caresses his unshaven jaw and he should’ve pulled away, should’ve pushed him off, but he doesn’t.

He could never have.

—

Jaehyun is doing an all-nighter at the recording studio when Dejun wakes up in his apartment, in his rumpled bed that still smells like sex and Jaehyun, late in the afternoon with a note from him. 

_ You can stay if you want. Food in the fridge  _

It’s a curious thing, he thinks, how Jaehyun manages to make him feel like a stranger even as he desperately tries to keep him close. It amplifies the ache he has learned to bury with his insecurities, but he decides that if he still gets Jaehyun at the end of the day then that is enough.

They don’t hear from Yuta, rather Dejun doesn’t, for weeks after their first meeting, and he supposes it’s not completely out of the norm, considering Jaehyun managed to keep him away from their lives for the entire time they’ve been dating.

It’s better that way, because Dejun can pretend that there doesn’t exist a man whose fingers have dug a gaping hole in Jaehyun’s heart. But of course, even delusions have an expiration, and for Dejun it comes in the form of an unplanned visit.

He’s pouring himself a cup of coffee—the same one Jaehyun meticulously brews in the morning before he leaves—when he hears the front door unlock. Dejun perks up in equal parts surprise and hopefulness, hoping that perhaps Jaehyun has decided to spend the weekend with him, to spend some quality time together and maybe  _ talk _ , even if Jaehyun still refuses to see the problem. 

Except it isn’t Jaehyun who walks through the door. 

Yuta looks the same as he did at the seafood restaurant, but at the same time different, with his long hair in a bun and his face brighter and softer than he remembers it being. Dejun realises it’s because he’s not wearing any makeup, and none of the accessories that he’s come to associate with the man through his colourful Instagram, and he’s not drunk, which Dejun appreciates.

Two things come to mind at once: that Yuta has the keys and the code to Jaehyun’s apartment when Dejun still doesn’t, and that he’s still effortlessly, breathtakingly beautiful like this, soft and unpolished and raw.

He begins to see what it is that has Jaehyun hooked, but he knows he can’t truly know the depth of the feelings they share between them, not with how Jaehyun has religiously kept that part of his life fiercely hidden away.

“Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know anyone would be home.” Yuta says in surprise, one foot in. He looks like he’s about to bolt so Dejun stops him.

“It’s fine, I’m just about to leave anyway.” Yuta seems to sense the lie and it’s not hard when Dejun is still in his boxers with a cup of steaming coffee in hand. 

“I’ll be quick I promise. I just need to get something of mine.” The way Yuta doesn’t even try to explain why he would have anything of his in Jaehyun’s apartment makes Dejun wonder if he’s deliberately staking his claim but he has an easy, somehow apologetic smile when he says, 

“Sorry if I’m intruding.” And it settles a little of the jealousy that throbs against his breastbone. 

“You’re not.” He mumbles back, and for once he’s being truthful, because if anyone is intruding, it isn’t Yuta. The realisation dawns on him in the same agonisingly slow manner as when he first acknowledged his attraction to Jaehyun and the irony hits him at the same time.

He steps out of the way when Yuta makes for the bedroom, and doesn’t even bother to question the fact that he’s waltzing into the most intimate place in Jaehyun’s apartment without batting an eye. Dejun reels in the hurt and pretends not to see how Yuta so easily fits into the spaces Jaehyun will never let him occupy. 

When he comes out, it’s with the neon pink clearbook Jaehyun guards with his life. He barely manages to stifle the grim laughter that bubbles up his throat. Of course.

Of course it’s Yuta. It’s always been Yuta.

“I’m not sure if I will see you again.” He says, holding the clearbook to his chest like it’s the most precious thing. It bears the same look of possessive heedfulness on Jaehyun’s face when anyone dares to come near it. “But I still wanna let you know that you’re exactly what Jaehyun needs. I’ve never seen him this serious about a relationship before.”

Yuta speaks with such fond affection that Dejun almost overlooks the fact that the comforting words are coming from the man who’s essentially the sole reason Jaehyun is stuck in a limbo. 

“You sound like you’re saying goodbye.”

Yuta gives him a profound smile, “I am, and I’m taking this as a memento,” he brandishes the clearbook all too carefully and this time Dejun hopes he’s imagining it when his smile turns a little somber. “and so I’m not leaving any part of myself here where it’s not supposed to be.”

—

He finds out from Lucas what Yuta meant a week later, when he mournfully breaks the news of one of his favourite mentors flying back to Japan after receiving an offer he can’t refuse. “He’s always wanted to be a singer, you see, and he never got that opportunity here.” 

It begins to make sense to Dejun, why Yuta seems so flighty and unable to stay put, it’s because he still hasn’t found the place where he belongs.

For many months Dejun believed that his place was next to Jaehyun; Jaehyun who pours his heart into the songs he writes, Jaehyun who dedicates the said songs to the man he’s loved for years and years, and will dedicate more of them long after Yuta leaves.

“He’ll make it.” Dejun tells Lucas whose face remains downcast. “He’s the type who will find a way to get what he wants.” 

After all, he surrendered more than Jaehyun’s love when he decided to pack up and leave everything behind—he also surrendered his heart, and that’s a testament to the strength of his will.

He knows he doesn’t owe Yuta any apology, but inside, his heart clenches at the conclusion he finally arrives at; that Dejun is not nearly strong enough or selfless enough to continue being Jaehyun’s pillar. 

_ ‘Sorry Yuta, in the end I can’t be that person for him’ _

—

Jaehyun doesn’t take to Yuta’s departure well, Dejun knew before he walked in on a row of empty beer cans on the floor and the normally pristine apartment in disarray. It’s as if Yuta had carved his name where he left and let them both deal with the patch up work.

His boyfriend is hunched over himself on the couch, one leg dangling off the edge. He looks like a three-time roadkill and it prods at Dejun’s nerves like livewire. He justifies his anger with the detachedness with which Jaehyun regards him.

“You left your front door unlocked. Do you wanna get robbed?” He snipes, not bothering to filter the vexation from his voice.

“There are security cameras in the hallways.” Dejun notes the hoarse quality to his voice and the red that brims his glassy eyes. His words are crisp and clear, so he must not be as drunk as Dejun thought. The beer cans must’ve piled up for days, days that Dejun decided to keep his distance while he strengthened his resolve.

“How long are you planning to cry about it?” It’s been weeks, he wants to say, if he wants to come back he would be the one here beside you, but Dejun is tired. So incredibly tired of being the cheap replacement for the man who refuses to stay.

“Dejun, I know this is too much. Just- give me a few days, okay? I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.” He shakes his head and he doesn’t sound convinced either; it’s another lie to pile on top of all the others. If he’s capable of letting go, he should’ve done that long before Yuta left, long before he kissed Dejun and he refuses to be caught in between this unending crossfire anymore.

“No, hyung. You could choose to be happy,” He says between Jaehyun’s shaky intakes of breath, “you could choose to move on. It’s not that complicated.” He kneels in front of him, watching with narrowed eyes as Jaehyun breaks down into tiny, inconsolable pieces. 

“You don’t understand-”

“I think I do. It’s gone on for too long already. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” 

“I am, for both our sakes but mostly mine. This is not what I deserve, hyung.” The pain chokes him but he manages to keep the tears at bay. There’s no point crying over something that was over before it even started.

“I didn’t want for it to turn out this way.” Jaehyun buries his face in his palms and this time Dejun triumphantly reels in the instinct to reach out. Jaehyun has to do this by himself from here on out.

“It was always your choice. You only had to stop looking at him, stop holding onto him. I was always just right here.” The words are scraped raw from his throat and his hands curl into fists in his lap as the lid finally topples and the hurt spills in a turbulent wave. This time he doesn’t try to call it anything other than what it is, nor does he bother to look at Jaehyun’s misery mirrored by his own.

“I’m sorry Dejun. I really am.” It’s more painfully startling to realise that this might be the first time Jaehyun is truly unraveling before him, and it stings a little bit more that the greatest truths he will receive from the man he dedicated his heart to are that of apology and regret.

Still, Dejun chooses to believe that all of it had been real; Jaehyun’s kisses and his embrace, and the agony that slithered through each and every one of it.

—

The seafood restaurant undergoes renovation several months after Dejun’s last visit, he heard it was bought by a Chinese family so he drags himself there to check its post-upgrade look, and is pleasantly surprised by the welcome splash of colours in the interior that used to be predominantly stone and wood. It chases away the gloom that he has come to associate with the place.

A young waiter spots him first, and he’s as unfamiliar as the rest of the place. It’s a comforting thought for Dejun, who has succumbed to the cowardice instilled by a relationship that’s equal parts love and deception, and dealt with the pain through the only way he knows how—erasure.

Not that he would ever be able to erase Jaehyun completely, even if their story is now as distant as a children’s lullaby.

“Hi, would you like to order now?” The waiter comes back to him a few minutes later, and Dejun squints over the menu at the boy’s name, Yangyang.

“I am.” He drawls, and his eyes skim past the spicy shrimp dish the restaurant seemed to have decided to keep. He never really liked shrimp anyway. “I’ll get the hairy crab.” 

It’s the most expensive thing off the menu and offered only during a limited period, and he thinks he deserves this quite a bit. 

“Good choice.” Yangyang says and his voice is so bright and cheery that Dejun has to pause to take it in. It’s been a while since he’s heard anything remotely lively and he misses it, he also misses when Lucas didn’t look at him with pity.

A song starts playing in the background, and it’s not until the chorus that Dejun recognises it; a song Jaehyun has written for a soloist. It’s one of his more popular songs, and Jaehyun hates it, though Dejun doesn’t share the sentiment. He didn’t think much of it before, but begins to understand Jaehyun’s aversion to it when he unconsciously echoes the lyrics in his head and feels the longing well up with every verse.

_ our memories are stardust _

_ forever-feeling, burning with promises _

_ soon, we will meet again _

The awareness settles into his bones like a persistent chill and he knows he shouldn’t, but he takes his phone out anyway and types in Yuta’s instagram username, now aptly adorned with a little blue check mark. There are no longer any old photos of him and Jaehyun together, Yuta got rid of that long before he left. 

This time Dejun knows what he’s looking for, and there’s a few recent photos, backstage and at recording studios, and it almost feels unreal to imagine that this the same man who once offered up his insecurities to Dejun, who once believed that his love didn’t belong to him anymore even if Dejun never really had Jaehyun’s heart. He looks happy at least, and that makes one of them.

There’s one picture in particular, taken in Okinawa according to the tag, that overlooks the beach from a balcony. It’s dark and grainy but something stands out to Dejun, or rather,  _ someone _ .

The man in the corner of the picture with their back turned to the camera is wearing a familiar black fleece jacket, and Dejun knows the plains of that back and the corners of those shoulders all too well. He smothers the breathlessness that takes over him and tunes himself back in his surroundings.

Yangyang is standing in front of him with the plate of crab when he looks up, looking pensive save for the forced smile he has on. “Are you okay?” He asks when Dejun avoids his eyes and puts his phone away. 

“I am.” And he is, he’s perfectly fine. He already put Jaehyun behind him, even if he stubbornly tries to claw his way back.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to intrude but you just looked…” The boy gnaws at his lips and honestly, Dejun doesn’t want to know what he looks like when he’s stricken by the aftermath of a heartbreak. “Sad.” It seems that’s as far as Yangyang will elaborate because he sets the plate down and steps away from Dejun’s space.

“If you need anyone to talk to, my break is in 20 minutes.” He nods stiffly, ironically reminded of the first time he was asked for his number. He recalls the way Yangyang looked at him and he’s not so dense as not to recognise attraction, so he says, more as an afterthought,

“I’m not looking for anything.” And the boy does well hiding the dejected look on his face, until Dejun continues, “but I can use a friend to talk to.”

Yangyang smiles, and it’s so wide, brimming with hopeful expectations. “You can count on me then.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> please let me know your thoughts in the comments. hope you enjoyed this :p


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